Twisted Trust: Unmasking Gaslighting in Sacred Spaces

You've probably heard the term "gaslighting" tossed around but never got the gist until you felt it firsthand.

That's my story, too.

Gaslighting is when someone manipulates another person into doubting their own reality, memories, or perceptions. It's a form of psychological abuse intended to make the victim question their sanity.

When it happens from a trusted leader or pastor in the church, it's more than just a superficial wound. The dagger goes deep, right into the heart. When a leader you've trusted, respected, and admired starts using their influence for selfish gains, pulling behind-the-scenes maneuvers...

It's a punch below the belt.

They steer the narrative behind the scenes by saying things like, "God told me to do this..." to make their choices seem ordained by God. It's a tricky move because, I mean, who wants to argue with what they claim God told them, right?

(By the way, if a Pastor or church leader ever drops the "God told me to do this" line, always hit them back with, "Which scripture passage reinforces that?" It's a good litmus test to see if they're genuine or just trying to pull a fast one.)

Using God's name (in vain) can place them in this untouchable zone where they're seemingly acting on divine instruction, even if it feels off to you. It's creepy and troubling because it turns a spiritual connection into a manipulation tool.

It's not just shady; it's straight-up evil.

The lingering hurt causes you to wonder if genuine, selfless service and Christ-like leadership are more ideals than realities.

If you've been gaslighted, especially by someone you trusted in a church setting, there are some things I want you to know:

1. You're Not Crazy: First up, trust yourself. Your feelings, memories, and experiences? They're valid. Don't let anyone rewrite your story or tell you otherwise.

2. It's Not Your Fault: Seriously, it's not. Manipulation, especially gaslighting, is a tool used by someone else. You didn't "ask" for it or "deserve" it.

3. You Deserve Better: Whether it's a friend, a partner, or a church leader, you deserve relationships built on trust, respect, and genuine love. It's okay to set boundaries and expect decency. Walk away from that relationship quickly.

Gaslighting boils down to power and control. And in a church in which everyone naturally trusts the leader? It's like a playground for a crafty puppet master. The honor and esteem staff and others give to a pastor can sometimes be what they hide behind, masking their real motives.

If Pastor "Cliff" almost always gets what Pastor "Cliff" wants, he most likely has a few of these gaslighting tricks up his sleeve.

Here are 7 tricks and what they look like:

1. Twisting Scriptures: A gaslighting pastor will cherry-pick verses, bending them to fit their narrative while making it seem like "The Bible says.." so it must be true.

2. Using Confessions Against You: Remember your private conversation when you poured your heart out? Suddenly, bits of it appear in a meeting with others. It's their way of saying they hold your secrets and can use them whenever they please.

3. Isolating Friends: Have you ever had one of those super vague "people are talking" conversations? When Pastor Cliff comes up to you and says, "Look, I've heard people saying things about you..." And when you say, "Please let me know who, I want to clear things up," he responds, "I'm not at liberty to say." Seriously? You are left wondering who's got your back and who's stabbing it. They have effectively dropped a cloud over your church and friends, making you second-guess who's really in your corner.

4. Something is wrong with you: A gaslighting pastor will attempt to convince you there must be something really wrong with you that you can't see, but others can.

5. Fake Apologies: These are the worst. "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I apologize if you misunderstood." Notice something? They're not owning up to anything. It's all on you.

6. Gatekeeping God: As I have alluded to, this one's especially insidious. They position themselves as the sole authority on what God wants for the church and your life. They tell others, "God told me to." Rather than speak directly to you, apparently, God prefers to talk to them about you.

7. Limiting Your Role: Say you're leading a group, a team, or active in an outreach program. Suddenly, you find yourself sidelined or replaced. It's their sneaky way of saying you're not 'fit' for the role, clipping your wings and minimizing your impact.

It is important to note that some of these signs can exist in a healthy environment, but when they are mostly all presnt, watch your heart.

Understand that these moves are designed to keep you off-balance, to make you question your worth and judgment. Leaders should inspire trust. Not trample on it.

Frankly, if you've made it this far in the post, there's a good chance you've experienced some of the pain I have written about. And let's not sugarcoat it: realizing you've been gaslighted, especially in a church, downright sucks.

Healing? It's not going to happen overnight. And anyone who says "just get over it" or "pray it away" doesn't get it. This stuff lingers. It's like trying to scrub off a permanent marker — it takes time, effort, and a whole lot of prayer.

So, on your path to healing, follow this advice from a fellow wounded friend:

1. Accept it: Yes, it happened. Yes, it was wrong. But recognizing it is the first step to reclaiming your story.

2. Talk About It: Bottling up ain't the way. Speaking up is therapeutic, whether it's a therapist, a good friend, a blog post, or a support group.

3. Set Boundaries: From now on, decide what you will and won't tolerate as acceptable behavior from others. It's okay to say 'no' or to walk away from toxic situations.

4. Rebuild Your Confidence: Remember all those awesome things you did before this mess? Yup, you're still that rockstar. Stay faithful and have fun.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's rough when someone you previously admired pulls the rug from under you. Always remember whether they've been held accountable or are still playing their games, you are not alone in this. God sees everything—the hidden agendas, the double-crosses, every single tear shed.

He's been witness to every injustice, every deception, and every hurt that was caused. And He doesn't take it lightly. God is still your God of comfort. You can still turn to Him.

Everyone will eventually face the consequences of their actions. The truth will always come to light.

- Joe Donahue

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